I Deserve It
by RainManiac
Summary: One-shot. Sam walks out on Dean after a fight they have and feels guilty. Set early in Season 1. Sam's POV. bigbro!Dean. Gen brotherly love type stuff. Rated T for mild language and mentions of drinking. This is my first try at fanfiction so Read and Review :) Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or its characters (Although I wish I did)


**I Deserve It**

I tremble against the hard wall, my body sweating under the cool breeze of the autumn sunset. Sweat runs down my temples and I could feel most of it settling into my long, dark hair. Dean insists on cutting it-threatening to do it in my sleep even-but hasn't come through on any of his threats. Yet. The alcohol I had consumed was making my head dizzy and my body feel out of sorts.

"Sam?!"

At the sound of my name, I tense. _Of course he would be looking for me. _I had run (or staggered) out of the bar not five minutes ago and after a round of tequila shots, my gut knew that Dean would've been out to find me not long after. I sighed, for once not wanting my gut to be right. Our fight was stupid, covering the usual topics: Dad to Mom to Jess to Stanford. I quit my memory of it all as my heart tightened. I'd never been so torn before in my life. Even now, hunting with Dean and knowing I belonged at his side, I still felt the pull to return to Stanford. It wasn't something only I wanted; I had a feeling Jess wanted it too.

"Sam?!"

I wanted to curse myself for not answering, but at the thought of Jess, my throat refused to open. _She's gone, Sam. There's nothing you can do to bring her back! _Dean's words echoed in my head. Did Dean think I didn't know that? Did he think I was hunting with him because I liked it? He knew I needed to find Jess' killer whether we found Dad or not. I had walked out of the bar after his words, slamming the door behind me on purpose. I shivered as the sun continued to set. The ground was chilly under my denim jeans.

"Sam."

I blink and Dean's face fills my vision. I turn my head away, the movement doing nothing for my dizzy head.

"Look at me, dammit." I feel his hands pull my face to meet his eyes. "You left."

"S'not the problem," I manage to say.

"Actually surprised you made it this far," he answers, taking on sweeping look of the alleyway I had chosen. "But next to a dumpster? Really?"

"Don hate ma choices," I slur out, knowing that the tequila had finally reached my brain.

Dean chuckles. "You're drunk. C'mon, let's get you outta here."

"No." That comes out clearly. Even in the dimming light, I can see Dean's eyes harden slightly, looking more like green stained glass rather than their usual grassy green.

"You can't stay here," he responds.

I knew I couldn't, but my alcohol drowned brain couldn't think straight, urging me to make sense of my own nonsense. "I can."

"I don't remember you ever having a choice."

I feel his arm snake behind me and he hoists me up. The world tilts sideways and I feel my insides go with it. "Uggghhh…" My brain is too muddled to tell Dean how I needed to stay in the alley on the cold ground, how he should leave me there like I had left him with Dad, how he would have been better off without his geek brother who had chosen college over his own family. "S'ma fault," I slur. I can feel the rumble of the Impala under me. _How did we get in the car?_

"Sam, be quiet.

I know it's his "let me be" voice, but I need to go on. "Stanford, Jess, the- the demon, s'all my fault."

"Sam-"

"No Dean, it is." I feel the Impala slow and then hear the gravel of the side of the road under her tires. Dean leaves the engine running.

"I shouldn't have said those things to you," Dean says quietly.

I turn toward him the best that my drunk body can and notice his hands still gripping the steering wheel. "It was all true. What you said."

"Doesn't mean you needed it all thrown in your face. It was harsh and…" He trails off and finally meets my eyes. "It's not what you needed to hear right now."

"But I deserve it, Dean. All of it." I hear Dean's hands loosen from the steering wheel. "I should hurt the way you did when I left."

"Is this what this is all about?"

I nod as slow as my head allows, but still earn a throbbing from my alcohol soaked brain.

"Sammy…" He pauses.

It didn't help that I already knew what he was going to say: _You're right. It is all your fault._

"This isn't your fault. C'mon man, you've got to stop this whole blaming thing."

"Dean…"

"Demons came after Jess. They did that to get to you."

"And if I hadn't gone to Stanford…"

"It would've been someone else," Dean confirms. He looks me straight in the eye, serious as ever. "And I won't leave you, Sammy. You're all I've really got left." He adds a short laugh at the end to hide the chick flick moment he's created.

My head swims with his words and my chest is so tight I can't form any words; I was sure the alcohol would have made them incoherent. I try anyway. "D'n, na sha no ah…"

Dean laughs at my effort and pats my knee. "You're officially hammered." He puts the Impala back in Drive. "Let's get you to the hotel."

I'm only half-aware of Dean hoisting my from the passenger seat of the car and then of the new clothes against my skin. I hear the rustle of sheets and then I feel them against me. I snuggle into them gratefully as my head goes from dizzy to pounding. The lights go out and I hear Dean fall into his own bed.

I try again. "Thanks, Dean. F'r'everything."

This earns a chuckle from my brother. "Get some sleep, geek boy."

**FIN**


End file.
